Tag Archives: cover letters

The 30 Steps of Cover Letter Writing

23 Jun

1) Check email.

2) Stare at job description.

3) Wonder if inherent awesomeness and clear fit for the job will shine through based on resume alone.

4) Check email.

5) Open up Word Document.

6) Omigod HUNGRY! Must eat.  Eat bastardized version of lunch (2 cookies, slice of toast, pasteurized cheese food slice NOT on toast, droopy salad, leftover manicotti, water).

7) Back to desk.  Re-examine desire to apply for position.  Compare said desire to overwhelming wish to become contributing member of society, and to also leave parents’ house.  There is an obvious victor.

8.) Open up resume, in order to feel productive.

This is actually set as my homepage.

9) Begin typing rudimentary cover letter trappings: address, date, salutation, etc.

10) PROGRESS! Rejoice in your ability to accomplish small tasks. Celebrate by spending next hour on the PCP fueled house party known as the Internet.

11) Text best friends demanding that they write cover letters for you. Become only slightly pissed when they all refuse.  Send follow-up texts with offerings of pie, sexual favors, or even threats of friendship termination.  Question strength of relationships when they ignore you.

12) Remember you’ve done this before!  Can those letters work here?  Not really, but you’ll be damned if you won’t TRY.

13) Copy and paste entire letter used for entirely different industry.  Revel in how full the page has suddenly become!  Congratulate self on ingenuity.

14) Clearly deserve some type of small break…the house party beckons.

15) CRAP, is that really the time? Must get back to work.  First, email.  And water.  And peeing.  And then work.

16)Decide that bedroom is stifling creative flow–move to living room couch.

17) Decide ambient noise would nourish creative flow.  Turn on tv.

18) Decide that ambient noise would be most nourishing if the source was HBO and not MSNBC 2.

19) Is that the latest Harry Potter movie? ZOMG! Figure if you leave all documents open and glance at them occasionally, it still counts as “multi-tasking.”

20) While watching working, be overcome by curiosity regarding Skype happenings.

21) Log on–it’s a Skype fiesta! Begin extreme multi-tasking.

22)  Two hours later: HUNGRY! Eat crackers while standing in pantry–call that dinner.

23) Wonder how long it takes normal people to write cover letters.

24) Become depressed at incapacity to write coherent words on a page expressing to world why you would like a job, please.

25) Too depressed to function–check email instead.

26) More crackers.  Realize that dinner is lacking in protein.  Have peanut butter from jar.

27) Review progress made thus far.  Stare at job description–maybe staring hard at it for long enough will either a) inspire you b) get the cover letter to write itself c) send telepathic messages to future employer, rendering application process unnecessary because everyone wants to hire a person who CAN READ MINDS.

28) Be shamed from displayed lack of competency.  Shame acts as strange motivation to complete the cover letter.

29) Type furiously.

30) Finish cover letter 26 minutes later.  Edit? Tomorrow! Savor sweet taste of triumph (which, incidentally, tastes like waffles).

Advertisements

These resumes are much prettier than yours

11 May

You probably spent hours perfecting your resume, trying to determine if the words “spearheaded” or “initiated” better described your indescribable awesomeness.  Well, be prepared to be shamed by your depressing lack of creativity.  If you’ve got time to kill, here’s an impressive collection of artistic and creative resumes.  Kinda makes you want to do yours over, right?

Some of my favorites are below:

Cover Letters: Shake it like a Peacock

15 Mar

For all the talking I like to do, I actually despise talking about myself. This apparently is a huge hindrance in the job application process. Resumes and cover letters are based on, you know, talking about yourself, lauding all your accomplishments and all that. Vomit in my mouth. So the past 21 job apps have been a painful, queasy experience for me. Seriously, I think I say “UGH, vomit in my mouth!” at least once every time; said event has yet to occur, but just give it time (ew).

I view the whole ordeal as an exercise in bragging and immodesty. I once took a bird personality test (I know, what does that even mean?) and it told me my character most resembled that of a peacock. NOT TRUE. If anything, I’m one of those plain and grungy female peacocks. Or a male peacock with the flashy feathers who constantly asks, “And tell me more about YOU!” I am not a peacock who walks around flaunting her ass feathers of accomplishment, pretty and plentiful as they may be. And isn’t that what cover letters are, written documentation of your ass feathers?

I think the job hunt would be easier on my sensibilities if I were instead brutally honest in my cover letters. See example below:

To whom it may concern:

I really have no idea what your consulting company does, and frankly, only a vague notion of what consulting is in general. I do want to learn about this field, but only to the extent that it will lead to a position of a power; I’d like to be an HBIC one day (Head Bitch in Charge). If we’re being totally honest, I’d love to go into non-profit, but that doesn’t pay nearly enough to merit the costs of my expensive, name-brand education. Besides, I’d like to have a pet, and I don’t think *I* can live on that pittance of a paycheck, much less me and a cute kitty. So here I am, applying to your “dynamic, exciting company who is a pioneer in its field.” Just to let you know, I think every company is dynamic, exciting, and a pioneer, so don’t get too flattered. I don’t have much professional experience, but you can bet that I’m going to harp on that one semi-impressive internship I had to distract you from this reality. While I held numerous leadership positions on campus, that probably doesn’t translate into business expertise (although that won’t stop me from pretending that it does). I have no interest in finance whatsoever, so please don’t make me learn anything about market trends or investing, or I may suffer from internal bleeding. All that being said and done, what I really need is a job; seriously, just anything that will get me away from my parents’ house. Far away. You should start consulting for (with?) NASA. Get me into space. Make me into an astronaut. You can do that, right?