5 Things I Can’t Do Because I’m Unemployed

20 Oct

5) Use the phrase, “Let me check my schedule.”

  • There’s 168 hours in a week.  If I subtract the hours I spend volunteering and sleeping, that leaves me with 100 hours of uncommitted time.  My schedule is emptier than a Taylor Hicks concert; there is no need to ask me if I’ve got time to do something, because the answer will always be, “YES PLEASE.”

4) Celebrate Labor Day.

  • Well, I probably could, but certainly not in the way it’s supposed to be celebrated.  Maybe I could take a break from watching daytime TV and host a barbecue for employed people, telling them I empathize with the struggles of a 60 hour work week “in spirit.”  Then, of course, I’d ask if anyone knows a guy who knows a guy who’s got an uncle/wife/daughter whom I can exploit to jumpstart my own career.  WOO SOUNDS LIKE A PARTY!

3) Feel good about myself at the doctor’s office.

  • When you go to a doctor for the first time, you have to fill out a health history form.  It always includes a section on your employment/occupation.  I do not know nor understand why this is so.  Clearly, doctors everywhere must think that because I have 100 hours of free time, I spend most of it destroying my body, probably by knocking back some UV rays and sucking down tobaccy.  “Hmm, it seems like this patient has developed a serious case of melanoma…oh yes, says here she’s unemployed, there’s our cause, right there.”  What I’m really saying is, I don’t like being asked this, because there isn’t enough room to explain why I’m unemployed.  Remember the Hippocratic Oath, docs?  “First do no harm?”  Well, you are seriously hurting my feelings.

2) File a tax return.

  • The other day, it dawned on me that, in the course of this year, I have not made one dollar.  Not even a penny.  And I probably won’t for the rest of 2010.  Tax forms are a major pain to fill out, but once you’re done, they stand as a beacon of your accomplishments.  Yeah, go ahead and bitch about how much the government is taking from you, but that means you have something they want, and when you think about it that way, doesn’t that feel good?  I am, literally, worthless, so they don’t even bother with me.  Thanks, Uncle Sam, for allowing me to keep all the nothing that I accrued this year!

1) Get a tax refund.

  • The only reason why we put up with paying taxes in the first place is, so that, come May, there is a healthy sized check with our name on it, waiting to be ill-spent on jet skis or Democratic Party donations.  And it’ll feel like we didn’t do anything to deserve it, it’s just an extra special surprise that the government gave us because we were nice this year (they hands out refunds similar to the way Santa hands out presents).  We’ll forget the long hours we worked to get that refund, because they were so long ago anyway.  In your mind, it’s free money! YAAAY! But I won’t be getting a tax refund, since I didn’t file a tax return, since I didn’t make any money, since I am unemployed.  Here’s to you, 2011!  Please don’t suck as bad.

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