The Handy Guide to Email Rejection

23 Sep

Thank you for being a friend, ladies.

Do you leave a trail of Mallomar wrappers wherever you go?  Do your clothes fail “the sniff test,” but you shrug and wear them anyway?  Is there an indentation in your couch in the shape of your ass, caused by watching Golden Girls reruns and hoping that Betty White isn’t next to die?

If you answered “YES!” to any of these questions, it sounds like you need a nice jog and a good shower.  Then you can properly begin your job search, because honestly, anyone who eats chocolate marshmallows, has a blatant disregard for personal odor and hygeine, and watches the televised tribulations of geriatrics as much as you do probably doesn’t have much else going on from 9:00-5:00 everyday.  Yeah, you’re unemployed.

Before you set off on your job search, you should know that it’s not going to be easy.  People are going to decline your polite requests for gainful employment.  And you’d be surprised at all the different shapes and sizes that a “NO” can come in.  But I’m here to help.

I’ve created The Handy Guide to Email Rejection for your education and empowerment.  Read my rejection letters, and use them as practice to steel yourself against your own future rejections.  Use them to read the true significance behind the writer’s words.  These emails may all sound the same, but the meaning can be totally different.

Check out these examples:

1) The “You’re Absolutely Not What We Had in Mind, and Meeting You Has Confirmed This” Rejection

It makes me feel weird that after they interviewed me, they totally changed the nature of the job.  Was I that horrid?  Still, they’re pretty blunt about my apparent lack of qualifications, besides being, you know, really nice.

While we felt you had a great deal you could offer the position (namely, enthusiasm, warmth and organizational skills), we have interviewed many people who have more experiences in some other arenas and we have decided that we want the role to encompass more of an external focus.  We’ve been interviewing a lot of people for the position and have decided to go in a different direction with another candidate at this time.

2) The “If Only You Applied Earlier!” Rejection

These are at once encouraging and frustrating.  They liked me!  But graaaaaah!  But maybe later?

We were excited about your application, but unfortunately we filled our last internship spot this week. We *may* be hiring another round in a month or two and may contact you them if your a good fit for the roles we’d be hiring for.

3) The “Aw Shucks, I’m Sorry I Can’t Hire Everyone!” Rejection

Emails that have a bit of sincerity and genuineness are always nice to get.

I really appreciate your interest in the Admissions Associate position at City Year. The response to this job posting was overwhelming, as you might imagine. I enjoyed speaking with you and learning more about your interest in City Year.  Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you the position.  I am sorry that this opportunity did not work out. I hope that you will keep City Year in mind for future opportunities. I wish you all the best in your job search.

4) The “You’re Aiming Too High” Rejection

Notice how there is no stroking of the ego at all.  Very to the point.  “We reviewed your materials and unfortunately found them to be brimming of suckage.  Good day.”

We conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of your materials to determine if your particular skill set and qualifications match currently open positions within our organization.  After careful consideration, unfortunately we are not able to offer you an interview at this time.

5) The “You’re Aiming Too Low, But Welcome Aboard!”…Acceptance?

My favorite type, and not because it may lead to a local job.  It’s my favorite because of the total candidness in the response.  Also, I appreciate the irony that I’m over-qualified for the position of Administrative Assistant, which is basically the same type of job I got rejected from in all the previous emails.  The world’s a funny place, eh?

Interesting resume and too big for a small outfit such as us! This is just a little job, I’m not sure you really would feel your talents are adecquately [sic] used….Thank you for responding, I’m putting your resume forward in the prespective [sic] process.

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3 Responses to “The Handy Guide to Email Rejection”

  1. Ryan K. September 23, 2010 at 11:03 am #

    This is the most epic and awesome post I’ve seen on here in awhile. I have to step up my game.

    • Sarah September 24, 2010 at 9:21 am #

      Yeah, after a while, these just become tragically hilarious. And we love you just the way you are, don’t ever change–I’m not quite certain the world can handle Killa Kellz with a stepped up game. 😛

      • Leslie September 24, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

        Last I checked, step up was in 3D. Got a fourth D up your sleeve Mr. K?

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