The 30 Steps of Cover Letter Writing

23 Jun

1) Check email.

2) Stare at job description.

3) Wonder if inherent awesomeness and clear fit for the job will shine through based on resume alone.

4) Check email.

5) Open up Word Document.

6) Omigod HUNGRY! Must eat.  Eat bastardized version of lunch (2 cookies, slice of toast, pasteurized cheese food slice NOT on toast, droopy salad, leftover manicotti, water).

7) Back to desk.  Re-examine desire to apply for position.  Compare said desire to overwhelming wish to become contributing member of society, and to also leave parents’ house.  There is an obvious victor.

8.) Open up resume, in order to feel productive.

This is actually set as my homepage.

9) Begin typing rudimentary cover letter trappings: address, date, salutation, etc.

10) PROGRESS! Rejoice in your ability to accomplish small tasks. Celebrate by spending next hour on the PCP fueled house party known as the Internet.

11) Text best friends demanding that they write cover letters for you. Become only slightly pissed when they all refuse.  Send follow-up texts with offerings of pie, sexual favors, or even threats of friendship termination.  Question strength of relationships when they ignore you.

12) Remember you’ve done this before!  Can those letters work here?  Not really, but you’ll be damned if you won’t TRY.

13) Copy and paste entire letter used for entirely different industry.  Revel in how full the page has suddenly become!  Congratulate self on ingenuity.

14) Clearly deserve some type of small break…the house party beckons.

15) CRAP, is that really the time? Must get back to work.  First, email.  And water.  And peeing.  And then work.

16)Decide that bedroom is stifling creative flow–move to living room couch.

17) Decide ambient noise would nourish creative flow.  Turn on tv.

18) Decide that ambient noise would be most nourishing if the source was HBO and not MSNBC 2.

19) Is that the latest Harry Potter movie? ZOMG! Figure if you leave all documents open and glance at them occasionally, it still counts as “multi-tasking.”

20) While watching working, be overcome by curiosity regarding Skype happenings.

21) Log on–it’s a Skype fiesta! Begin extreme multi-tasking.

22)  Two hours later: HUNGRY! Eat crackers while standing in pantry–call that dinner.

23) Wonder how long it takes normal people to write cover letters.

24) Become depressed at incapacity to write coherent words on a page expressing to world why you would like a job, please.

25) Too depressed to function–check email instead.

26) More crackers.  Realize that dinner is lacking in protein.  Have peanut butter from jar.

27) Review progress made thus far.  Stare at job description–maybe staring hard at it for long enough will either a) inspire you b) get the cover letter to write itself c) send telepathic messages to future employer, rendering application process unnecessary because everyone wants to hire a person who CAN READ MINDS.

28) Be shamed from displayed lack of competency.  Shame acts as strange motivation to complete the cover letter.

29) Type furiously.

30) Finish cover letter 26 minutes later.  Edit? Tomorrow! Savor sweet taste of triumph (which, incidentally, tastes like waffles).

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