The What-If Gremlin

27 May

The What-If Gremlin

There is a monster that jobseekers fear

A terrible thing that impedes your career.

The What-If Gremlin, that is his name,

Makes screwing you over his favorite game.

The What-If Gremlin lurks in your mind,

Feeding off your doubts, so he’s surely well-dined.

If you have any major decisions to make

The Gremlin makes you think they’re all a mistake.

He whispers…

What If you hate this job?”

What If you get that second interview?”

What If you move in a couple a months?”

What If this won’t look good on your resume?”

What If you won’t make friends there?”

What If the pay isn’t good enough?”

These whispers get louder, and start to make sense.

Soon you’ll find that the doubts grow intense,

So you turn down the position,

Falling into the What-If Gremlin’s submission.

And so you’ve been reduced to a sniveling blob

Loathing your inability to land a good job.

You think you’re pathetic, that your resume’s shit,

When really, The What-If Gremlin is just a mean git.

It thrives on your worries; no srsly, it’s true.

Jobhunt confusion gives him power anew.

It’s like spinach to Popeye, iron fortified,

and he exposes your qualms, eight times amplified.

BUT WAIT! The What-If Gremlin can be beat!

It takes courage and resolve, and it’s quite the feat,

But finding that job is worth anything, right?

So buck up your bootstraps,  and hold on tight.

The What-If Gremlin loves the future, you see.

He spews about things that could happen, but aren’t current reality.

It’s true, you could get that interview, and you could in fact move,

But that’s not happening now, so you’ve gotta just go with the groove.

Live in the moment. What’s happening now?

Questions of “what if” you just can’t allow

Remember your present options, for they’re all you have.

Remember this and you’ll be hired to join some cool office staff.

But say you forget it, and the What If Gremlin holds on,

continuing to whisper doubts into your ear with such brawn.

Here’s this secret weapon that’ll definitely work

Called the Shake It Off Dance, it’ll get rid of that jerk.

Shake it to the left, shake it right

Shake it, shake it, shake it, you’ll be quite the sight.

Shake off those fears and that stupid Gremlin too.

Shake it so hard you feel like you’ve got to go poo.

The What If Gremlin will be flung from your head,

Never to return, and will crawl away half-dead.

You’ve defeated him, and you’ve gained control of your life.

Never again to suffer from his strife.


When searching for jobs, go by what exists

And not by what may be

Never ask, “But what if that or what if this?”

A job will be a guarantee. (Maybe)


4 Responses to “The What-If Gremlin”

  1. slpmartin May 27, 2010 at 3:29 pm #

    A clever and witty poem…searching for a job is difficutly enough with what…if-ing before you get there…so well said.

  2. Emily May 28, 2010 at 10:00 am #

    Sarah, I want you to meet my mother, whose ridiculous poetry also makes life worth living.


  1. Best if used by… « - June 24, 2010

    […] part of her wish at least anyway. To be honest, I am not stuck in a rut. I am not riddled by the What-if Gremlin. I don’t think I’m even on the feelings cosine roller-coaster. That’s because I […]

  2. I Stumble, I Get Back Up « - July 22, 2010

    […] the first time, I had the thought, “But what if I can’t get a job?  What if I don’t?”  My What-If Gremlin has always plagued me with questions like, “What if I don’t get this job?” but never “What […]

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