The 5 Easy Steps to Getting a Job (So I’ve Heard)

22 Apr

I recently came across a New York Times article that called me out on my shenanigans.  Entitled How to Turn Downtime into Job Offers, it highlights the major issue that encumbers the unemployed in their job hunts: their misuse of time.  We spend it too leisurely or too unproductively.  As much as this hurts to admit, mayhaps watching Bravo’s reality tv buffet is a bit of time sucker.  On the flipside, sending out a flurry of emails and online applications has not gotten me any closer to employment.  So what’s the solution?

These five easy steps, as paraphrased from the article, will apparently find you a job, and thus turn you into a contributing member of society once again.  Yaaay.

1) Find a spot that you dedicate exclusively to job-hunting, and set up camp there.  Be sure to name it something nifty, like “Job Search HQ,” “Misery Obliteration Station,” or “LeVar Burton.”  This is imperative to your success.

2) Get your shit together.  Have all your materials well organized and easily accessible. These include resumes, cover letters, references, skills, and writing samples.  They also include whatever accolades you’ve received in college or during your career.  It’s recommended that you assemble a “success folder” containing these accomplishments and be ready to whip them out during interviews.  Remember, bragging  does not make you a pretentious douchebag if this gets you the job.

3) Mix up your day by dividing it up into three parts: research, meetings, and follow-ups. You should basically be doing a metric butt-load** of research, everything from companies you’ll be interviewing with to finding new networking opportunities.  Schedule daily informal meetings with friends, former colleagues, or career counselors for coffee.  Follow-up with a thank you to any person who’s helped you along your path to a steady paycheck and a 401K.

4) Don’t end your day before planning your next one, or the next three, if you’re one of those overly ambitious bastards.

5) Embrace this long-forgotten feeling of energy and productivity.

Hogsheads, which are just barrels. Lame.

It will then morph into confidence, which you will begin to emanate and thus increase your chances of getting hired.  Once that happens, relish the sweet flavor of victory, which should taste something like rainbows and Christmas.

**Knowledge Bomb: According to my friend Teh Google, a metric butt-load is equivalent to 476.961 liters, or 126 gallons, or 2 hogsheads.

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