Networking: wtf is THAT about?

9 Apr

Fail.

Remember how I called up my Career Services Office and was essentially “zomg HALP! I’m an alum, I don’t have a job, and my head’s firmly wedged up my ass!” and all that?

The nice advisor lady who coached me through my troubles told me that the key to finding a job is through networking, and most experts agree.  According to them, if I ask anyone how they got their job in their field, apparently they’ll respond, “Through the magnificent power of networking.”  The heavens will then open and the Hallelujah chorus will sing.  And then they’d ALL give me the stink eye and think, “Why are you even questioning the wonders of this powerful career resource?  Gosh.”

The imaginary judgment of angels is not enough to compel me to randomly email strangers and interrogate them, even if they are, say, from my alma mater.  Just because we both bleed blue and white doesn’t necessarily mean they’d want to have a conversation that could pretty quickly turn into the territory of “zomg HALP! I’m an alum, I don’t have a job, and my head’s firmly wedged up my ass.”  In other words, I need more convincing.  Obviously, this needs to take the shape of obnoxious, multi-colored fun facts, because I am 8 years old.

NETWORKING FUN FACTS!!! (pulled from here)

  • What the hell is networking? Either creating a new connection or rekindling an old one in order to share your career goals and interests, and then using that connection for mutual benefit.
  • Why the hell should I network? (1) Intelligence.  You’d get the insider info on the company and learn about the job and what it entails.  Kinda like a super spy, a little.  You know, gathering intel before he makes a move.  Sexy.  (2) Hiring is risky and expensive, and you become a safer bet.  When you have someone to vouch for you and your character, the company will be willing to invest in hiring you over your competitors.  Now brace yourselves, because this last one’s a doozy…(3) 70-80% of jobs aren’t even advertised, those sneaky bastards! Having an “in” is the only way to uncover the hidden job market, and that connection is obtained through kidnap and ransom.  What?  Sorry, I meant networking.

I’ve been converted.  I like the idea of a hidden job market that only the incredibly ambitious and diligent can access.  I’m gonna go all Titanic on that iceberg of opportunity.  I’m gonna crash into it head on and then I’m going to drown myself in connections until I crack in half from the 70-80% of possibilities that are now open to me.  That is a lot, but I am incredibly ambitious and diligent and will win at networking.

Win?

I’m so friggin’ ready to do this.  The nice advisor lady said that I should contact 2-3 people a day.  So let’s say I do that every day until I find a job–let’s hope that’ll be in three months.  How many people is that, exactly?  According to my calculations,  somewhere between 6 and one million.  Damn, that’s a big, fat network.

In closing, I’ll try to post fairly regularly about my…wait for it…ADVENTURES IN NETWORKING!  For all those who are eager to embark on your journeys, here are 5 fundamental networking tips.  Good luck, and Godspeed fellow compatriots.  Huzzah!

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One Response to “Networking: wtf is THAT about?”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Networking and Ass-Kissing « liberalart.us - April 12, 2010

    […] and Ass-Kissing April 12, 2010 tags: networking by Ryan K. Following up on Sarah’s questions about networking, I have a question of my own: why does networking always seem like ass-kissing, brown-nosing, being […]

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