I don’t understand.

2 Apr

How do jobs happen?

No, seriously.  How the flying f**k do I get a job?

I’ve been riding this unemployment train for eight weeks now, and I want to get the hell off.  Then I want to burn it.  With the furious, searing piss of Satan.  Because that is how frustrated I am. I have been a good little college graduate; I abide by all the rules on my college’s career website.  Shit, doesn’t the fact that I even go to the career website stand for anything?!

So.  How do jobs happen?  Do I wish upon a star, like in some Disney crap?  Does some stork or fairy or gnome drop it off under my pillow as I sleep? Does it come in my Happy Meal as a promotional tie-in, perhaps as part of the stimulus package?


Now that I’ve been stripped of all morale and motivation, I turned to the wisest person I know for answers: the Google. As soon as I began typing, Google, ever so eager, offered up suggestions.  What a dear; I was wondering how to get pregnant! Thanks Google!

I entered my query, and Google returned only result that was at all relevant to my search for answers.  Except apparently this was a website for confused dancers.  Google also came up with a few other gems (like some on the bottom that were cut off), because it clearly knew that I was bored and depressed and needed a good laugh.  The internet knows me so well.

This is seriously how I entertained myself on a Friday evening.

Based on my research, conducted in a Panera Bread located at the mall, I’m forced to conclude that we are all doomed.  No one knows how jobs happen, but apparently a whole butt-load of people know that bad things happen to good people and they get laid off, which means that no one can pay their bills, and people are getting all kinds of handjobs to release the stress they’re under (and hoping their penises don’t catch fire from the friction).  Obviously, I’m blaming the economy.  Who doesn’t these days?

As for me, I think I’ll become a hooker.  Sorry Dad.  Or maybe a bum.  Sorry Mom.

p.s.  So I bet you’re wondering what ANSWERS4DANCERS had to say.  Apparently your dream job happens through hard work and determination.  One day, you too can gyrate on stage next to Janet Jackson.

Psh, eff that.


One Response to “I don’t understand.”

  1. Sarah Kirk April 6, 2010 at 12:36 pm #

    Hey! Love the blog, good for you guys for keeping busy. I hate to tell you this, but if you’re frustrated after 8 weeks, keep in mind that it took me 8 months to find a steady, paying, relevant-to-my-degree job. And I still sometimes think, though I know I shouldn’t, “well AmeriCorps isn’t a REAL job, it’s what I’m settling for because it’s full time and there’s some pay”

    So keep up the morale! And this blog is something to say you’re doing, because as you mention there are several hundred thousand under/unemployed folks just out of college, and come May there will be several hundred thousand more, all with more or less identical resumes, so anything you can do to stay busy and ahead of the curve is worth it. Hell, this fall I had two unpaid (and, as you point out, illegal) internships in two different cities!

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