Cover Letters: Shake it like a Peacock

15 Mar

For all the talking I like to do, I actually despise talking about myself. This apparently is a huge hindrance in the job application process. Resumes and cover letters are based on, you know, talking about yourself, lauding all your accomplishments and all that. Vomit in my mouth. So the past 21 job apps have been a painful, queasy experience for me. Seriously, I think I say “UGH, vomit in my mouth!” at least once every time; said event has yet to occur, but just give it time (ew).

I view the whole ordeal as an exercise in bragging and immodesty. I once took a bird personality test (I know, what does that even mean?) and it told me my character most resembled that of a peacock. NOT TRUE. If anything, I’m one of those plain and grungy female peacocks. Or a male peacock with the flashy feathers who constantly asks, “And tell me more about YOU!” I am not a peacock who walks around flaunting her ass feathers of accomplishment, pretty and plentiful as they may be. And isn’t that what cover letters are, written documentation of your ass feathers?

I think the job hunt would be easier on my sensibilities if I were instead brutally honest in my cover letters. See example below:

To whom it may concern:

I really have no idea what your consulting company does, and frankly, only a vague notion of what consulting is in general. I do want to learn about this field, but only to the extent that it will lead to a position of a power; I’d like to be an HBIC one day (Head Bitch in Charge). If we’re being totally honest, I’d love to go into non-profit, but that doesn’t pay nearly enough to merit the costs of my expensive, name-brand education. Besides, I’d like to have a pet, and I don’t think *I* can live on that pittance of a paycheck, much less me and a cute kitty. So here I am, applying to your “dynamic, exciting company who is a pioneer in its field.” Just to let you know, I think every company is dynamic, exciting, and a pioneer, so don’t get too flattered. I don’t have much professional experience, but you can bet that I’m going to harp on that one semi-impressive internship I had to distract you from this reality. While I held numerous leadership positions on campus, that probably doesn’t translate into business expertise (although that won’t stop me from pretending that it does). I have no interest in finance whatsoever, so please don’t make me learn anything about market trends or investing, or I may suffer from internal bleeding. All that being said and done, what I really need is a job; seriously, just anything that will get me away from my parents’ house. Far away. You should start consulting for (with?) NASA. Get me into space. Make me into an astronaut. You can do that, right?


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